I'm (proudly) having some very audible and smelly farts today. I just want to high-five my dog every time I rip one because she's the only one around to experience them.

Hesher

Oops

I may or may not have drunkenly made a mess in an unnamed 24-hour grocery store washroom.

THE WORLD IS MY TOILET.

It finally happened...

I stepped in dog shit.

Genius idea?

I had the thought of crapping and eating my lunch simultaneously to save time but decided not to. I almost did it though. I'm glad I didn't bring my food into the bathroom with me because it got kind of messy.

Drinking coffee right after a beer makes me want to crap my pants.