Fecal Matters

2011-11-10T06:46:00.001-05:00

I'm (proudly) having some very audible and smelly farts today. I just want to high-five my dog every time I rip one because she's the only one around to experience them.

Hesher

2011-11-09T08:16:00.000-05:00

Oops

2011-09-01T15:35:00.002-04:00

I may or may not have drunkenly made a mess in an unnamed 24-hour grocery store washroom.

2011-07-17T22:29:00.001-04:00

THE WORLD IS MY TOILET.

It finally happened...

2011-07-04T23:06:00.000-04:00

I stepped in dog shit.

Genius idea?

2011-06-29T14:26:00.000-04:00

I had the thought of crapping and eating my lunch simultaneously to save time but decided not to. I almost did it though. I'm glad I didn't bring my food into the bathroom with me because it got kind of messy.

2011-05-14T16:03:00.000-04:00

Drinking coffee right after a beer makes me want to crap my pants.

Butt broth

2011-04-09T17:42:00.003-04:00

Just what it sounds like.

Breaking up is hard to do.

2011-04-08T12:52:00.000-04:00

I am now polyp-free!

What's more satisfying?

2011-03-23T14:27:00.000-04:00

Speaking of which, I just liberated a bulky shit sausage the length of a python. I feel good. I feel great.

Poo man on the run!

2011-03-21T00:34:00.000-04:00

Yule Log

2011-03-11T20:50:00.002-05:00

I had trouble churning out the brown butter earlier today so I gave it another go after work. I couldn't push too hard because my sphincter was still sore from the previous day's activities but with a little coaxing, I got it to wriggle out. To my surprise, my droppings came out quite different than normal as half of it was green and the other half, red. Santa would be proud of this one.
My poor butt still hurts.

Dr. Butt Meddler

2011-03-11T19:36:00.002-05:00

The colonoscopy was much more painful than I expected. I cried out in distress during the procedure and the doctor had to tell me to shut up a few times. The sedative didn't kick in until near the end of it all. I threw up right after. It sucked.

This is what they found and removed from my colon:

A huge mother effin' polyp.

I'm naming this one Harry, after my gastroenterologist.

That's not the only one though. He's got a little friend still partying inside me. I have to go back in 4 weeks to get it out. Let's hope they are benign.

Let the bowel irrigation begin...

2011-03-09T20:09:00.003-05:00

Two litres of this stuff (tastes terrible btw) plus four laxatives equals me not being able to leave the toilet for three hours.

Yes, I'm blogging from my washroom right now.

Update: My asshole really REALLY hurts.

Mudslide

2011-03-03T11:13:00.000-05:00

Colonoscopy scheduled for next Thursday. Wish me luck?
Preparation is going to be awesome. And by awesome I mean shitty. Ha.

Like pissing out of my butthole

2011-02-23T16:28:00.003-05:00

I think I'm slowly dying from the inside.

2011-02-17T13:45:00.002-05:00

Another giant poop goes undocumented. Sigh.

HOLY SHIT

2011-02-15T12:26:00.002-05:00

After taking the advice of the butt doctor, I've been increasing my daily consumption of fresh fruits and vegetables. My logs have been massive lately but today I broke the record for BIGGEST DUMP OF MY LIFE. It was (no exaggeration) at least 12 inches long and just slipped out of my rectal cavity with almost no force. I felt like a champion. My eyes widened in amazement when I saw it but I cursed myself for not bringing my cell phone with me to snap a pic.
BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.

Funky jazz

2011-02-10T19:53:00.004-05:00

If you enjoy being bloated and farty all day, try this drink:

In it, there's spinach, broccoli, garlic, wheat grass, algae, kiwis, apples, bananas, pineapple, and MORE.

My ass sounds like a fucking trumpet right now.

Email from my brother

2011-02-10T09:50:00.000-05:00

from:        I L
to:      J L
date:        Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 6:56 PM
subject:    poop

how's yours?

i took a big dump the other day and the log was so long that it could not twirl its way down. i had to pour a lot of hot water on it to break it in half =/

Good Dog

2011-02-01T22:44:00.000-05:00

Colonoscopy or this? I choose the latter.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind."

2011-01-27T10:53:00.002-05:00

The sigmoidoscopy only lasted about 5 minutes but I was in fetal position, wincing and trying to relax my breathing (and my asshole) the whole time. I let out a "Fuck!" when he stuck his finger up there right before the procedure.

Doctor said he didn't see anything unusual.
Then why the fuck am I bleeding?

His solution was to eat more fibre to soften my stools and then call him if the bleeding continues. I may have to do a full colonoscopy. I really really really do not want anything else inserted into my butt (maybe).

2011-01-25T22:18:00.004-05:00

My dog just ran up to me, farted, and ran away.
Thanks, Pepper.

MY ASS WON'T STOP BLEEDING

2011-01-25T12:41:00.003-05:00

My bowel movement produced a unique-looking turd today. Lengthy and snake-like and even tapered at the end. I struggled a bit to get it out but succeeded by rocking back and forth on the john and pushing at the same time. Yes, this is my method of discharge to help persuade my excrement to come out and play. It works, try it. When I turned around to take a look at my achievement, I have to admit I was delighted at the sight of it. Upon closer inspection, I noticed it was covered in a bit of blood. Ugh. I hope the doctor fixes whatever is wrong with my ass tomorrow.

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

2011-01-24T17:18:00.000-05:00

Nothing interesting to report today. I thought I had to unload some large cargo but it turned out I was just bloated. I sat down on the toilet expecting a big brown baby but instead let out some long, silent puffs and a couple of pellets. Disappointing. When I went to wipe, a little bean of a turd latched on to the toilet paper among some mucus and undigested chili flakes from the Korean food I had the night before. I squished it with my fingers before I dropped it in the bowl and let it flush up to poo poo heaven.

In other colorectal news, I will be getting a sigmoidoscopy this week. Basically, a small camera will be inserted into my rectum to see what's going in there. I bet there's a huge party going on and I'm not invited. I'm never invited. :(

Vitil-i-gotta-go

2011-01-02T20:59:00.005-05:00

Today's poop wasn't urgent, but I could sort of feel that something was brewing, so I grabbed a book and prepared for a session.

The poop was funny because it had different complexions; some parts were of a paler brown than the rest. It was as if this poop was stricken with a case of vitiligo, the skin disorder to which Michael Jackson famously attributed his pale skin. To paraphrase the King of Pop, 'It doesn't matter if you're brown or pale brown.'

I also had a strange poop the other day. Most of the log was solid and true to form, but the tail end of it appeared to split, not quite messily, but somewhat like a flower, or cartoon explosion. I felt this did not warrant its own post, but I considered different names for it, as I don't believe I have ever seen this phenomenon before. Is it a Brown Sunburst? Or Trick Cigar?

Foxy

2010-11-09T09:47:00.002-05:00

Q: What kind of poo do foxy mamas make?

A: Foxy brown.

- Michelle (aka Foxy Grandma)

2010-10-28T12:33:00.000-04:00

I have come to the conclusion that Korean food isn't as pleasant when it comes out of your asshole the next day.

Girthiest Log Ever

2010-08-19T11:24:00.001-04:00

It feels like I just got raped in the ass.

My pooper's even bleeding.

Hershey Kiss

2010-07-20T10:43:00.002-04:00

The caboose of a somewhat loose log-omotive held onto my bum a little longer than the main turd. It finally fell and hit the sort of level part of the toilet bowl, standing and pointing upwards, looking very much like a Hershey Kiss. Its peak poked above the surface of the water, and I braced myself for the horrid stench that was sure to follow, as unsubmerged fecal matter with sludgy consistency is really bad nasal news 97% of the time. But luckily, today the poo was merciful.

Splash from the Past

2009-12-27T19:34:00.006-05:00

This entry does not document a recent poo, but revisits a poo from approximately 1.5 to 2 years ago:

The worst poo splash I have ever had was, I believe, after a night of heavy drinking. The actual ejection of the poo was not violent, but it came out with such speed and force that the resultant toilet bowl splash actually displaced a small volume of liquid - unfortunately a mixture of water, urine, and feces - out of the toilet bowl, high enough and with a parabolic trajectory such that the liquid landed on the floor beside the toilet.

It was not a horrible mess by any measure, but I was impressed that the liquid was able to gain enough altitude to escape the bowl. To date, I have not been able to reproduce such a poo splash.

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

2009-12-04T14:28:00.001-05:00

My name is Steven but I would like you to call me Jamal. This is my first entry in this wonderful blog portraying one of life's greatest forms of relief.

Here is some background information. I have a controlled diet 5-6 days a week because I am sort of a health nut. The latter fact means I have two shits at the same times every single day. Any sort of disruption to my eating habits causes my toilet times to go out of sync. I also usually eat the same sort of thing for each of my 6 daily meals so my time from entering the washroom and exiting ranges from 60s - 120s, depending on the tightness of the pants I'm wearing that day and whether I have to change the toilet paper roll because the asshole before me neglected to.

Sometimes I like to be spontaneous and not wait for my cheat day to eat something I end up regretting. Today it was a cheeseburger. It wasn't more than 10 minutes after the consumption of this hell sandwich that my digestive system detected what I just ate and said: "Homeboy, you did not just have a greasy ass burger on a m'fucking weekday." I don't like to be bossed around, especially by something I own, so I told my stomach to stop crying like a bitch. It was then my small and big intestines declared war on my rectum and I spent the next 45 minutes reenacting the firebombing of Dresden in WWII on the toilet seat. I had to jump into the shower directly after because the rapid firing of liquid waste and mini poo drops caused major splash on my ass cheeks that could not be cleaned solely with toilet paper.

Auditory Laxative

2009-11-27T01:24:00.005-05:00

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be contributing. To this blog's venerable founder, thank you for inspiring numerous people like myself to bravely approach, examine and discuss our poo.

Tonight, I was watching this Liam Kyle Sullivan video where a couple is seeing a sex therapist, and it was sort of funny, but then, towards the end, the couple starts listening to a CD of erotic stories read by a voice with a terrible Asian accent. I started laughing really hard. So hard that I was literally on the floor, holding my stomach, and trying to catch my breath. And I definitely almost crapped my pants.

It would have been really bad if I had, because I'm wearing boxers. You see, briefs have a sort of tightness, like a poor man's diaper, so a small amount of loose stool would hopefully have been safely housed within them. Boxers, however, just kind of hang, with no tightness; loose stool would not have been confined to my underpants, and would have instead quite possibly gotten my pants shitty all the way down the leg.

Fortunately, I did not crap my pants, and neither of these things happened. The last time I crapped my pants was probably when I was eight or nine, and I was playing Bingo with my sister Alison in the basement. She started calling out the numbers in, again, an Asian accent (something about racism targeting Asians really seems to tickle my funny bone, to poo-ejecting extremes), which caused me to laugh so hard that a little poo nugget escaped my bum, and tumbled down my pantleg and out onto the floor before I was able to race up the stairs to the toilet.
Come to think of it, I was wearing briefs. Oh shit. This completely negates my Poor Man's Diaper theory.

The aforementioned video is below. The part that made me almost poop myself begins at about 6:40.

#2 train

2009-10-09T11:07:00.008-04:00

Mad Pooper

2009-09-22T15:36:00.002-04:00

I just used the loo at work and noticed a dried-up poo smear on the wall.
Really ladies???

2009-09-11T15:55:00.000-04:00

"I'm gonna BBM while I have a BM."

Lentil Diet

2009-09-08T19:41:00.004-04:00

I took a fantastic shit today, thanks to the lentils I had for dinner AND lunch. Two long and girthy logs escaped my blowhole with minimum force. It felt refreshing.

Veggie Poo

2009-08-14T12:37:00.002-04:00

I've been having the most ginormous turds lately because I've been on a little-to-no meat diet (thanks to the vegetarians I'm surrounded by). I let a huge one go just now and when I went to wipe, I thought, 'Yay, I got my period finally' but it turns out that the blood was from my anus. That giant log MADE ME BLEED MY OWN BLOOD.
Anyway, I went to flush and the thing didn't even go down the first time. It just broke in half and got stuck. Pressed the button a second time and it barely made it through. Cowadunga, dude!

Record-Breaking

2009-08-05T14:28:00.004-04:00

Mistaking menstrual cramps for poo pains, I can now see why it hurt as much as it did. I just took the largest shit I have ever taken in my life. It just snaked out of my cornhole with one push. It looked quite soft and delicate but still held together as it slipped into the water. My prize-winning poo resembled the big black dildo at 249 all of you have come to know and love (okay, just me).
Damn, I wish I had brought my camera with me.

Did not see that coming.

2009-07-18T18:43:00.001-04:00

Wow, I did not just shit myself...

Poo Poo Patty

2009-07-10T12:16:00.003-04:00

I don't know what I ate yesterday that caused my shit to come out looking like ground beef today. My stomach is crying.

Best friend

2009-07-09T13:21:00.002-04:00

Poo Blame

2009-06-23T01:35:00.004-04:00

I pooped at a house party the other day and the toilet wouldn't flush.
When I came out, I blamed the person that used it before me.

Wut?

Stink Bomb

2009-05-22T10:16:00.003-04:00

I've been drinking so much beer lately and the farts that come the morning after are horrendous.
I hope this Extra-Strength Gas-X works.

Honk!

2009-04-27T15:30:00.001-04:00

I just went to take a piss and let out the loudest tuba fart.
I wonder what the other people in the washroom thought about it.

How many licks does it take to get to the centre of the...

2009-04-18T15:46:00.003-04:00

I had to force a giant Tootsie Roll out this morning and it tore my asshole just a teeny tiny bit. It hurt to wipe and it was one of those multi-wipe poops. I just gave up and showered and then put some petroleum jelly on my bum lips to soothe it. Maybe I should start shoving things up my rear to loosen it?

Log Jam

2009-04-15T13:15:00.002-04:00

First good poo in a while. This baby had an impressive girth probably due to the fact that I haven't cleared the pipes in days. It felt like it was just dying to get out. The high-pitched squeak-fart was a good indication. I felt fantastic afterward and skipped back to my desk.

2009-03-02T16:31:00.002-05:00

I had some dragon fruit the other day and the 9-incher that just butt-raped me contained the seeds from said fruit which my body was unable to digest. They looked like black sesame seeds. In my poo.

Hershey Squirt

2009-03-02T11:41:00.004-05:00

I almost suffocated L in the shower yesterday when I (accidentally!) let out a killer poot. His facial expression was unforgettable as he swiftly dashed out of the bathroom, still soapy. I felt bad but couldn't stop laughing at the same time. Oops.

In other news, I think I may have sharted a little on my bed. Unless someone sprayed chocolate ice cream on my sheets...

Don't Shit Your Pants!

2009-02-28T21:56:00.001-05:00

http://www.kongregate.com/games/Rete/dont-shit-your-pants

Dirty Dawg

2009-02-27T16:07:00.002-05:00

I did not enjoy that poo. I feel like I need a shower now.

Of course I picked it up.

2009-02-03T12:12:00.002-05:00

Is it gross for someone to poop in the shower? If so, then I totally did not do that last night.

3, 2, 1...BLAST OFF

2008-12-16T14:52:00.003-05:00

I just blasted off a butt rocket so gigantic, the force from take-off left slight damage to the launching base...if you get my drift.

Miracle Poo Party

2008-12-15T15:28:00.005-05:00

After consuming an unusual combination of foods (mostly acidic) on Saturday, I expected my intestines to corrode and unleash an explosive slop from my refuse chute. Instead, I had a decent BM. It was a little too firm but still good enough to make it enjoyable enough to glide through. Maybe it was due to last night's fingering that helped ease it out. Either way, I'm glad it wasn't shitty (PUN!).
I took a picture of it but forgot about the auto-flush at work and it didn't turn out. :(

Yo dawg, I heard you like poo so I put a poo in your poo so it can poo while you poo

2008-12-11T16:38:00.004-05:00

It took a little longer to clear the pipes today. I basically back door vomited a girthy number and then released a couple dozen super ripe dingle berries afterwards. It turned the toilet water a pretty yellow before it was flushed to oblivion.

Also, the other day I was having a bit of trouble unleashing the brown snake and it ended up coming out looking like this:

(Tamarinds)

Close Call

2008-12-08T14:39:00.007-05:00

I would've written about this sooner but the lack of an internet connection prevented me from doing so.

Let me just start by saying I have NEVER had such a strong urge to evacuate my bowels as I did on Friday night. I'm pretty sure it was the unusual combination of olives (black and green), Jalapeno Havarti, egg salad and coffee I consumed prior that caused the intense stomach pains followed by the red alert in my large intestines. I was perfectly fine up until I left the office and then out of nowhere the sharp sensation came. My stomach bubbled and churned and it was already too late to turn around and go back to use the washroom (the elevators are off limits after 6pm). My place isn't too far from my work but I was wrong in thinking there was enough time to go home and paint the toilet. Thankfully, a friend picked me up and was more than compliant when I demanded that he stop at the nearest public washroom. You should have seen my face as I was trying my best to clench my sphincter. I NEARLY CRIED. I can only laugh about it now but it was definitely not humorous at the time. A good 20 minutes was spent on the john waiting until my asshole was done spewing out the fudge. Some good farts were let out in the process but my pooper was so sore I couldn't even muster out a chuckle. That's how bad it was.

Not Skippy

2008-11-12T15:43:00.002-05:00

I GOT SO EXCITED THAT I ALMOST LOST CONTROL OF MY BOWELS TODAY.
It looked like chunky peanut butter.

Another Perfect Poo

2008-11-06T12:23:00.004-05:00

Must have been all those roasted chestnuts I've been eating lately!

10 out of 10

2008-11-04T17:15:00.002-05:00

You know it's a good one when it doesn't leave a residue around your sphincter.

Birthday Bundle

2008-10-15T07:10:00.006-04:00

The cupcakes that Michelle and Darren made on Sunday are supposed to turn your shit into a rainbow because you can't digest the food colouring. Darren claimed he had a very blue poo but this is what I got. Disappointment. :( I didn't doodie all day Monday either so I hoped that the upcoming load would be big and bright. Sadly, all I got was this disgusting green plop. I made the picture smaller because I'm not very proud of it.
Later in the evening, my stomach went crazy and I sharted twice. It's the next morning and my anus still hurts. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Edit: Check out the shape of my turd. Looks like I pulled a Zorro! (I know it's backwards. It's really hard to spell with your ass, okay.)

Hot Shot

2008-10-06T14:13:00.007-04:00

I just went to take a piss and upon crouching down, a long fart escaped. Of course I chuckled, which lead me to recall the hilarious incident that happened on Saturday when Owen decided to let one rip while we were riding our bikes in the dark. That made me chuckle even more. Highlight of the Nuit.
(As I typed this I laughed out loud and choked a little bit and then tried to hide it with a cough. I'm smooth.)

2008-10-02T01:07:00.000-04:00

Does anyone read this shit anymore?

Dainty Toot

2008-09-22T16:16:00.004-04:00

me: i just let one rip by accident

ok, not accident, on purpose
carson: haha

silent?

u have ppl sitting near you?
me: yeah, the lady in the next cubicle

silent poooof

kind of like a cotton ball bouncing on my anus

2008-09-15T11:58:00.000-04:00

I just gave birth to a nice brown bundle of...joy.

Prevent Poo-llution

2008-09-13T23:13:00.001-04:00

Omega Pools

2008-08-27T16:20:00.002-04:00

I keep seeing these signs at streetlights advertising Omega Pools up in my area. The immature part of me wants to take a black marker to scratch out some letters and leave it saying MEGA POO.

Here it comes.

2008-08-20T16:47:00.002-04:00

After a 3-day dry spell, my bowels finally decided to let the brown flow. I felt the all too familiar pang in the afternoon and thought to myself, "YES! HERE IT COMES!". Expecting to give birth to spectacular twins (or Siamese twins), I was deeply disappointed when all that came out was a silent toot and a regular sized turd. But a couple of hours later after my coffee break, I had to literally run back to the loo. Two words: soft serve. It also left me with a burning sensation.
I think I've been unlucky in the poo department lately.

I'm a hands-on kinda person.

2008-08-07T15:30:00.003-04:00

I was having such a good day and then I go to the washroom and end up getting shit on my hand.
Thanks.

Ribfest

2008-08-05T12:10:00.004-04:00

My poo-poo today reeked like the half rack I consumed yesterday. Those ribs apparently won a few trophies for best sauce in previous years. [Insert joke about butt sauce here.]

Edit: I keep smelling crap. I hope I didn't shit myself.

Poo Log

2008-07-29T23:23:00.003-04:00

This was given to me as a gift on the weekend. I haven't used it yet because I keep forgetting to pull it out after I take a shit.

Someone is trying to suffocate me.

2008-07-18T11:22:00.004-04:00

OMG. Someone took a giant crap and I was unlucky enough to go into that stall afterwards. It smelled SO BAD. It's been 10 minutes since I've been out of the washroom and I can still smell it. The poo vapour particles are clinging on to my nose hairs and they're refusing to leave until they've succeeded to gag me. I feel it in my throat now. Oh god. OH GAWD.

Battleshits #2

2008-07-14T12:59:00.003-04:00

I just had a fart war with someone else in the washroom. I succeeded to "clinch" a victory with my resounding poots.

Don't step up to me unless you can bring it.

Girl's Not Grey

2008-07-03T15:34:00.002-04:00

I'm wearing my long, light grey coloured cardigan today. I took a poo earlier and I keep thinking I smeared shit on the back of it. I keep looking back to check. :/

Call 911 'cuz you dun got burned!

2008-06-10T10:54:00.004-04:00

Oh my god, my anus burns so much right now.
After I came back from a dirty shit, I could not concentrate on what my supervisor was instructing me to do. All I kept thinking about was how uncomfortable I felt and how I just wanted to tranquilize my asshole.
Fuck you, Starbucks.

Butt Blab

2008-05-29T13:58:00.002-04:00

After trying to hold in all my poots this morning, I finally went to the washroom to let it out. A couple of ladies were just finishing up in there but decided to chat it up while washing their hands. (At this point, I'm already in the stall so they have no idea it's me in there. At least I hope.) Anyway, they're talking away and I'm urinating and then there's a slight pause in their conversation at which, of course, my ass decides to say something as well. They continued on like they never heard my butt blab but I know they did. I was at the closest stall and you know how well sounds bounce off those porcelain bowls. Meanwhile, I'm giggling silently like an idiot with my pants down. I couldn't help it. Farts are funny!

After Party Poo

2008-05-25T13:49:00.006-04:00

Good times were had last night. Great party = great poo.

The second picture shows what happened after the initial flush. It got stuck'd. I thought had I clogged the toilet but no. My turd is just too mighty for this weakass toilet.

Guest Logger #1

2008-05-21T00:19:00.006-04:00

Dear Jocelyn

I just had a poo after not pooing all day. It was a very long poo and looks somewhat like a penis, which explains why I felt so violated after having this poo. I think it is pretty big and impressive. I have one picture from far away to show the scale as compared to the toilet bowl, and one closer so you can see the penile quality of it.

Owen

Kegel Party

2008-05-19T15:56:00.005-04:00

The morning after the keg party I shat twice and both times were unpleasant. I used up a lot of toilet paper as well. I don't think I had it that bad though. Sergio used the washroom in the afternoon and when I went to use it a couple of hours later, it still smelled.

Poonut Butter

2008-05-17T17:27:00.003-04:00

What the heck, I only had two beers last night and it still felt like I was shitting out peanut butter.
There's going to be a keg tonight too...oh the dilemma!

Success

2008-05-14T15:47:00.001-04:00

I just plopped a perfect poop.

Chocolate Hail

2008-05-09T14:02:00.004-04:00

Relief! I just excreted a foot long that felt never-ending. It snaked out of my behind leaving me feeling pounds lighter. I thought this one was a success until I went to wipe. The stringy seaweed salad I consumed last night made itself visible again. Damn our inability to digest cellulose!
There was definitely a need to flush a second time because of the splatter I left in the bowl and I wanted to quickly get out of there before the next person coming in figured out the stench belonged to me. But when I was speedily trying to buckle up my pants, someone walked into the first stall (I always use the last one because of its powerful flushing capabilities). I got a little worried about the smell I just created until...I heard their bowels explode. You could tell they had been trying to hold it in for some time judging by the force of the sharts smacking against the porcelain. It was very loud. I had a feeling this person was desperately waiting for me to leave to destroy the toilet so I took my time in washing my hands and checking myself out in the mirror. Just as I was walking out the door she launched her bazooka once more. BLAOW!

Fartastic Voyage

2008-05-07T15:44:00.003-04:00

After lunch, I got so gassy it was getting difficult to hold it in so I finally decided to go to the washroom to release. I thought I had lost it when I got there but when I sat down on the toilet, my butt blurted out loudly (with a squeak at the end too!). With my pants down, I couldn't help but lol. I'd have had a hard time *not* laughing if someone else was in there. After that, I managed to squeeze out a cute, petite turd. It had a rounded bottom and a pointy top!

2008-05-07T10:25:00.002-04:00

I forgot how good Starbucks coffee tastes.
I also forgot how quick coffee makes me poo. But it was worth it.

Edit: Let the coffee farts commence!

Things That Make You Go Poooooooo

2008-05-01T16:02:00.004-04:00

No dice in the doodie department lately. In the past two days, I've been getting nothing but berries of the dingle variety. Must increase fibre intake.

Combo #5

2008-04-27T22:11:00.004-04:00

My ass just upchucked and it wasn't pretty at all - Type 6 and extra stinky. I ate some greasy Chinese food earlier which included roasted duck, cha siew and the like. There were small boluses of pork fat floating in the toilet too. Grossies!

Crouching Tiger, Bleeding Anus

2008-04-26T19:28:00.003-04:00

Work has been busy so I haven't had time to update.
The other day there was a rumbling in my belly and I just knew it was going to be a good one yet I didn't bother to bring my cell phone with me to the lav. Turns out I was right. My rectum gave birth to a giant mother of a turd and in turn, she bore a little baby turd. It was quite adorable. The curvatures in my poops made it seem like they were holding each other too. A Kodak moment.

Here, we have today's bowel movement which is fresh out the anus.
I don't know what it is I've been eating lately but my number twos have been colossal.

The Secret of the Ooze

2008-04-17T22:51:00.001-04:00

Two words: butt juice.
Sometimes after a good shit my asshole leaves this slimy substance as a reminder of what a good time it had. Kinda gross.
I'm making a face right now.

(-_-)"

2008-04-15T23:43:00.002-04:00

I wanted to take a nap on the toilet today but I don't usually take more than 3 minutes on a Number 2 so I didn't. Plus I was at work.

Pilsbury Dooboy

2008-04-10T22:42:00.005-04:00

So I pinched one out today and it looked like one of those mini croissants. A really burnt and blackened mini croissant.
Before it was flushed down, I felt a pang of hunger.

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE

2008-04-08T16:18:00.005-04:00

I have to poo.

The Diarrhea Song

2008-04-07T16:39:00.002-04:00

When you do a little dance
and it's gooey in yer pants:
Diarrhea, diarrhea.

I found this gem while I was surfing the 'net at work.
Do you know how hard it is to laugh silently?! I think I have cramps from trying to hold it in.

2008-04-01T14:16:00.002-04:00

I took a crap at work and the stupid auto-flush went off before I got to finish wiping my butt and now my underpants are a little wet from the splashback. Yuck.

:(

2008-03-30T14:10:00.004-04:00

Owwwwww, my anus.
I shouldn't have waited so long to poop.

Edit: I forgot to mention that Matt also punched me in the ass. Jerk.

Evacuate

2008-03-20T12:30:00.007-04:00

The fire alarm went off at work this morning. And then almost immediately, I had these sharp pains in my stomach telling me to head to the crapper. I had a feeling it was going to be a rank one so I dodged into the accessible washroom for privacy. There weren't any disabled employees on our floor anyway. I almost ripped my button off anxiously trying to pull my pants down. Oh it was coming and it was coming quick. I was right about it being rank. It looked disgusting too. An almost liquid Type 6. Mustard yellow. It just oozed out of me. I had to wipe quite a few times too. The whole time I was shitting the alarm was still going off and I prayed that we didn't have to evacuate the building. Just as I was zipping up, building management announced that everything was under control.
There was no fire. But my asshole sure as hell burned.

Booyah

2008-03-04T10:58:00.004-05:00

A few minutes ago, I pinched out a Type 4, 10-incher. It was very dense with good thickness and colour and the moisture content was juuuust about right. It wasn't stinky either. And no mess. It basically just slid out of my rectum and into the toilet bowl like a fat, lazy turd. Oh wait, it is a fat, lazy turd. Two flushes finished it off - the first flush didn't quite carry it down the hole because it was so long and the second whisked it away to doodie heaven. :)
It feels fantastic starting off my day with an A+ poop. Morning shits pretty much make or break my day.

Ow, My Bunghole

2008-03-02T21:50:00.004-05:00

Oh lordy, I just squeezed out a massive brick. It was like Type 2 but way bigger.

Stool Chart

2008-02-24T17:17:00.005-05:00

For your reference and ease of understanding, I have put up a Stool Chart (right) with different types of stool which I will allude to when describing my BMs.

Thanks for the chart, Darren!

I Have No Shame

2008-02-24T16:52:00.000-05:00

Public urination is becoming quite common for me...

It Burns

2008-02-17T15:37:00.003-05:00

I think the Fireball coupled with the Quarter Pounder from last night was the cause of the burning sensation I felt from the dirty, dirty poop I just had. I guess that's why they call it Fireball.

Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class

2008-02-13T10:56:00.003-05:00

Note to self: Refrain from going out drinking when you have work the next morning.
I had about a pitcher (maybe more) to myself last night - that's not a lot of beer but I'm a small Asian girl. I wasn't too intoxicated but I should have stopped drinking sooner. The consequence? Beer flatulence. Symptoms include an uncontrollable urge to pass gas, humorous audibleness, noxious fumes, and an itchy bum. I tried to sleep it off on the train but I had to keep shifting myself in order not to let one go. Normally, I wouldn't mind cutting the cheese in public if I really had to but sometimes, you just know which ones are going to be deadly.

I'm interested to see whether or not my shits are going to be as bad.

Edit: Just took a dump and it was stinkier than usual but the consistency was okay and not leaky.