The Great Emancipooter

One time, I was taking a dump and reading something very important on my phone.  And upon looking at my hand-and-phone shadow on the floor, I realised something incredible: this was the exact profile silhouette of President Abraham Lincoln.  

Forget your Virgin Mary pee stains and your Jesus faces burnt in toast; this is the real deal.  The Great Emancipator, cast in shadow from my porcelain throne.

I am optimistically awaiting a reply from the Smithsonian regarding this.  Wish me luck.

"T"

"T"?  T....time.  Time...to leave?

My story

Hi, I'm Darren. The totally weird guy who gets disgusted by J's bowel movements, as mentioned in the blog description. Now it's my turn to look like an ass (pun intended). Submitted for the approval of Fecal Matters, I call this story "The first (and only) time I shit my pants".

It started with food poisoning, courtesy of my dad. He's always been pretty lax with food expiry dates, and the corned beef sandwich that he made my brother, himself and I was one of those instances where the expiry date was just a "suggestion". So by the next day, all the men in the house had food poisoning. Up until then, I thought food poisoning was similar to real poisoning: laying on a bed, deathly ill, unable to move or do anything. Instead, I've never been so mobile in my life. After every trip to Diarrhea City, I'd think "I'm finally empty. There's nothing left inside to shit out" only to run back to Diarrhea City a minute later. By the end of the first day, I'd shit so many times that I had wiped my ass raw; the toilet paper felt like sandpaper. It felt like somebody napalmed my butthole.
By the second day, I was finally diarrhea'd out. I felt weak, but at least I didn't have to stay close to a bathroom in case it hit again. 'Food poisoning sucks but it's not so bad if it only lasts a day' I thought to myself. So when I felt a fart coming on, I didn't think anything of it. Besides, after the previous day, I'd happily accept farting over shitting. At least I wouldn't have to wipe my ass again. I let it rip.
People can usually tell from the feeling in their guts whether it's a fart coming on or a turd (or y'know, diarrhea). Or at least I've always been able to. I didn't realize that the food poisoning had screwed those senses up. You should seen how quickly my expression changed when I suddenly felt something wet back there. Without hesitating, I ran to the closest bathroom and assessed the damage. Because I didn't just politely toot it and arrogantly let it rip, there was quite a bit of damage. As in, my underwear was a write off. If I had let it slosh around a few seconds more, my pants would have been a write off too. I didn't even want to throw it in the washing machine and hand washing it was out of the question. I took a shower, grabbed a plastic bag, threw them in there and told my parents I was taking a stroll. I threw the bag in a public trash can at a park, because I didn't want to have to explain to my parents why there was a barely recognizable pair of underwear in the garbage. Besides, the stench was unreal, I wasn't gonna let it stink up the house.
For a long time afterward, I was paranoid that I'd shit my pants any time I had to fart in public, food poisoning or not. If nothing else, the whole ordeal taught me to respect food expiry dates. Shit ain't no joke.

WWJD?

A while back, I had to take some antibiotics and took the whole dosage at the clinic. Possible side effects of the medication included nausea, upset stomach, vomiting and diarrhea. I usually don't pay attention to that stuff and pretty much forgot about it. I went about running errands for the rest of the day and came home to hang out with my roommate. My stomach started feeling off and I began to have bouts of pain so I decided to retreat to my room to lie down. My period was supposed to make an appearance soon and I thought these were just lady cramps. I threw back an Advil and tried to focus on my breathing for a bit but it didn't work. Soon after I felt my bowels move. The pain was so severe I could barely get up and move around. The decision to sit on the toilet seemed like a good idea even though I didn't think I was ready to poo. Getting up and down the stairs was an excruciating task done with hindered movement. When I finally landed in front of the washroom door, I found it locked! My roommate was in there! I hoped and begged to God that it was nearing the end of her shower as the pain sharply increased. A minute went by and I could wait no longer. Using all my strength, I climbed back up to my room and hoped and prayed some more. IT WAS COMING. I had to do something. Quick. I panicked for a bit and then looked around my room until I laid eyes upon my garbage bin. Yup. I hurried over and could barely get my pants off before the first wave of liquid shit gushed out. You could definitely call this one explosive considering how fast it shot out of my system. It came out so fast that there was no time to properly aim into the bin. Some of it blasted onto my mirror and onto my carpeted floor. My backside was a slimy mess but at least it was over. So many feelings were felt - panic, surprise, desperation, relief, shame. The whole time, my dog watched (from what I gathered) with amazement and confusion.
I did what I had to do.

Face Down, Ass Up or Downward Dog

I just started doing yoga at home and the other day I let a loud one rip and lost my concentration from laughing so hard. That's why I would never take classes with other people. I would probably get kicked out immediately for not only my gaseous expulsions but also not being able to stay serious afterwards. Namaste?

Pooping pants

Begin repoort:

Subject reports that stool felt somewhat loose, but evacuation was otherwise not atypical.

Visual inspection revealed that stool was shaped like a pair of turdy brown pants; it appeared to consist of two cylindrical sections, or 'legs', that met at one end, the 'waist'.  

Stool was positioned with 'legs' pointing toward subject, 'waist' pointing away.  

Stool's form and position suggests that there were two points of exit, and that the two 'legs' converged post-expulsion.

Subject denies having secondary butthole adjacent to primary butthole.

Further investigation warranted.

End repoort.

Sargeant Splatter (I think I used this title already)

I just had sudden explosive diarrhea on a surface that doesn't normally touch feces. It was messy :(