3, 2, 1...BLAST OFF

I just blasted off a butt rocket so gigantic, the force from take-off left slight damage to the launching base...if you get my drift.

Miracle Poo Party

After consuming an unusual combination of foods (mostly acidic) on Saturday, I expected my intestines to corrode and unleash an explosive slop from my refuse chute. Instead, I had a decent BM. It was a little too firm but still good enough to make it enjoyable enough to glide through. Maybe it was due to last night's fingering that helped ease it out. Either way, I'm glad it wasn't shitty (PUN!).
I took a picture of it but forgot about the auto-flush at work and it didn't turn out. :(

Yo dawg, I heard you like poo so I put a poo in your poo so it can poo while you poo

It took a little longer to clear the pipes today. I basically back door vomited a girthy number and then released a couple dozen super ripe dingle berries afterwards. It turned the toilet water a pretty yellow before it was flushed to oblivion.

Also, the other day I was having a bit of trouble unleashing the brown snake and it ended up coming out looking like this:

(Tamarinds)

Close Call

I would've written about this sooner but the lack of an internet connection prevented me from doing so.

Let me just start by saying I have NEVER had such a strong urge to evacuate my bowels as I did on Friday night. I'm pretty sure it was the unusual combination of olives (black and green), Jalapeno Havarti, egg salad and coffee I consumed prior that caused the intense stomach pains followed by the red alert in my large intestines. I was perfectly fine up until I left the office and then out of nowhere the sharp sensation came. My stomach bubbled and churned and it was already too late to turn around and go back to use the washroom (the elevators are off limits after 6pm). My place isn't too far from my work but I was wrong in thinking there was enough time to go home and paint the toilet. Thankfully, a friend picked me up and was more than compliant when I demanded that he stop at the nearest public washroom. You should have seen my face as I was trying my best to clench my sphincter. I NEARLY CRIED. I can only laugh about it now but it was definitely not humorous at the time. A good 20 minutes was spent on the john waiting until my asshole was done spewing out the fudge. Some good farts were let out in the process but my pooper was so sore I couldn't even muster out a chuckle. That's how bad it was.