Veggie Poo

I've been having the most ginormous turds lately because I've been on a little-to-no meat diet (thanks to the vegetarians I'm surrounded by). I let a huge one go just now and when I went to wipe, I thought, 'Yay, I got my period finally' but it turns out that the blood was from my anus. That giant log MADE ME BLEED MY OWN BLOOD.
Anyway, I went to flush and the thing didn't even go down the first time. It just broke in half and got stuck. Pressed the button a second time and it barely made it through. Cowadunga, dude!

Record-Breaking

Mistaking menstrual cramps for poo pains, I can now see why it hurt as much as it did. I just took the largest shit I have ever taken in my life. It just snaked out of my cornhole with one push. It looked quite soft and delicate but still held together as it slipped into the water. My prize-winning poo resembled the big black dildo at 249 all of you have come to know and love (okay, just me).
Damn, I wish I had brought my camera with me.