"Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind."

 
The sigmoidoscopy only lasted about 5 minutes but I was in fetal position, wincing and trying to relax my breathing (and my asshole) the whole time. I let out a "Fuck!" when he stuck his finger up there right before the procedure.

Doctor said he didn't see anything unusual.
Then why the fuck am I bleeding?

His solution was to eat more fibre to soften my stools and then call him if the bleeding continues. I may have to do a full colonoscopy. I really really really do not want anything else inserted into my butt (maybe).

My dog just ran up to me, farted, and ran away.
Thanks, Pepper.

MY ASS WON'T STOP BLEEDING

My bowel movement produced a unique-looking turd today. Lengthy and snake-like and even tapered at the end. I struggled a bit to get it out but succeeded by rocking back and forth on the john and pushing at the same time. Yes, this is my method of discharge to help persuade my excrement to come out and play. It works, try it. When I turned around to take a look at my achievement, I have to admit I was delighted at the sight of it. Upon closer inspection, I noticed it was covered in a bit of blood. Ugh. I hope the doctor fixes whatever is wrong with my ass tomorrow.

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Nothing interesting to report today. I thought I had to unload some large cargo but it turned out I was just bloated. I sat down on the toilet expecting a big brown baby but instead let out some long, silent puffs and a couple of pellets. Disappointing. When I went to wipe, a little bean of a turd latched on to the toilet paper among some mucus and undigested chili flakes from the Korean food I had the night before.  I squished it with my fingers before I dropped it in the bowl and let it flush up to poo poo heaven.

In other colorectal news, I will be getting a sigmoidoscopy this week. Basically, a small camera will be inserted into my rectum to see what's going in there. I bet there's a huge party going on and I'm not invited. I'm never invited. :(

Vitil-i-gotta-go

Today's poop wasn't urgent, but I could sort of feel that something was brewing, so I grabbed a book and prepared for a session.

The poop was funny because it had different complexions; some parts were of a paler brown than the rest. It was as if this poop was stricken with a case of vitiligo, the skin disorder to which Michael Jackson famously attributed his pale skin. To paraphrase the King of Pop, 'It doesn't matter if you're brown or pale brown.'

I also had a strange poop the other day. Most of the log was solid and true to form, but the tail end of it appeared to split, not quite messily, but somewhat like a flower, or cartoon explosion. I felt this did not warrant its own post, but I considered different names for it, as I don't believe I have ever seen this phenomenon before. Is it a Brown Sunburst? Or Trick Cigar?