3, 2, 1...BLAST OFF

I just blasted off a butt rocket so gigantic, the force from take-off left slight damage to the launching base...if you get my drift.

Miracle Poo Party

After consuming an unusual combination of foods (mostly acidic) on Saturday, I expected my intestines to corrode and unleash an explosive slop from my refuse chute. Instead, I had a decent BM. It was a little too firm but still good enough to make it enjoyable enough to glide through. Maybe it was due to last night's fingering that helped ease it out. Either way, I'm glad it wasn't shitty (PUN!).
I took a picture of it but forgot about the auto-flush at work and it didn't turn out. :(

Yo dawg, I heard you like poo so I put a poo in your poo so it can poo while you poo

It took a little longer to clear the pipes today. I basically back door vomited a girthy number and then released a couple dozen super ripe dingle berries afterwards. It turned the toilet water a pretty yellow before it was flushed to oblivion.

Also, the other day I was having a bit of trouble unleashing the brown snake and it ended up coming out looking like this:

(Tamarinds)

Close Call

I would've written about this sooner but the lack of an internet connection prevented me from doing so.

Let me just start by saying I have NEVER had such a strong urge to evacuate my bowels as I did on Friday night. I'm pretty sure it was the unusual combination of olives (black and green), Jalapeno Havarti, egg salad and coffee I consumed prior that caused the intense stomach pains followed by the red alert in my large intestines. I was perfectly fine up until I left the office and then out of nowhere the sharp sensation came. My stomach bubbled and churned and it was already too late to turn around and go back to use the washroom (the elevators are off limits after 6pm). My place isn't too far from my work but I was wrong in thinking there was enough time to go home and paint the toilet. Thankfully, a friend picked me up and was more than compliant when I demanded that he stop at the nearest public washroom. You should have seen my face as I was trying my best to clench my sphincter. I NEARLY CRIED. I can only laugh about it now but it was definitely not humorous at the time. A good 20 minutes was spent on the john waiting until my asshole was done spewing out the fudge. Some good farts were let out in the process but my pooper was so sore I couldn't even muster out a chuckle. That's how bad it was.

Not Skippy

I GOT SO EXCITED THAT I ALMOST LOST CONTROL OF MY BOWELS TODAY.
It looked like chunky peanut butter.

Another Perfect Poo

Must have been all those roasted chestnuts I've been eating lately!

10 out of 10

You know it's a good one when it doesn't leave a residue around your sphincter.

Birthday Bundle

The cupcakes that Michelle and Darren made on Sunday are supposed to turn your shit into a rainbow because you can't digest the food colouring. Darren claimed he had a very blue poo but this is what I got. Disappointment. :( I didn't doodie all day Monday either so I hoped that the upcoming load would be big and bright. Sadly, all I got was this disgusting green plop. I made the picture smaller because I'm not very proud of it.
Later in the evening, my stomach went crazy and I sharted twice. It's the next morning and my anus still hurts. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Edit: Check out the shape of my turd. Looks like I pulled a Zorro! (I know it's backwards. It's really hard to spell with your ass, okay.)

Hot Shot

I just went to take a piss and upon crouching down, a long fart escaped. Of course I chuckled, which lead me to recall the hilarious incident that happened on Saturday when Owen decided to let one rip while we were riding our bikes in the dark. That made me chuckle even more. Highlight of the Nuit.
(As I typed this I laughed out loud and choked a little bit and then tried to hide it with a cough. I'm smooth.)

Does anyone read this shit anymore?

Dainty Toot

me: i just let one rip by accident

ok, not accident, on purpose
carson: haha

silent?

u have ppl sitting near you?
me: yeah, the lady in the next cubicle

silent poooof

kind of like a cotton ball bouncing on my anus

I just gave birth to a nice brown bundle of...joy.

Prevent Poo-llution

Omega Pools

I keep seeing these signs at streetlights advertising Omega Pools up in my area. The immature part of me wants to take a black marker to scratch out some letters and leave it saying MEGA POO.

Here it comes.

After a 3-day dry spell, my bowels finally decided to let the brown flow. I felt the all too familiar pang in the afternoon and thought to myself, "YES! HERE IT COMES!". Expecting to give birth to spectacular twins (or Siamese twins), I was deeply disappointed when all that came out was a silent toot and a regular sized turd. But a couple of hours later after my coffee break, I had to literally run back to the loo. Two words: soft serve. It also left me with a burning sensation.
I think I've been unlucky in the poo department lately.

I'm a hands-on kinda person.

I was having such a good day and then I go to the washroom and end up getting shit on my hand.
Thanks.

Ribfest

My poo-poo today reeked like the half rack I consumed yesterday. Those ribs apparently won a few trophies for best sauce in previous years. [Insert joke about butt sauce here.]

Edit: I keep smelling crap. I hope I didn't shit myself.

Poo Log

This was given to me as a gift on the weekend. I haven't used it yet because I keep forgetting to pull it out after I take a shit.

Someone is trying to suffocate me.

OMG. Someone took a giant crap and I was unlucky enough to go into that stall afterwards. It smelled SO BAD. It's been 10 minutes since I've been out of the washroom and I can still smell it. The poo vapour particles are clinging on to my nose hairs and they're refusing to leave until they've succeeded to gag me. I feel it in my throat now. Oh god. OH GAWD.

Battleshits #2

I just had a fart war with someone else in the washroom. I succeeded to "clinch" a victory with my resounding poots.

Don't step up to me unless you can bring it.

Girl's Not Grey

I'm wearing my long, light grey coloured cardigan today. I took a poo earlier and I keep thinking I smeared shit on the back of it. I keep looking back to check. :/

Call 911 'cuz you dun got burned!

Oh my god, my anus burns so much right now.
After I came back from a dirty shit, I could not concentrate on what my supervisor was instructing me to do. All I kept thinking about was how uncomfortable I felt and how I just wanted to tranquilize my asshole.
Fuck you, Starbucks.

Butt Blab

After trying to hold in all my poots this morning, I finally went to the washroom to let it out. A couple of ladies were just finishing up in there but decided to chat it up while washing their hands. (At this point, I'm already in the stall so they have no idea it's me in there. At least I hope.) Anyway, they're talking away and I'm urinating and then there's a slight pause in their conversation at which, of course, my ass decides to say something as well. They continued on like they never heard my butt blab but I know they did. I was at the closest stall and you know how well sounds bounce off those porcelain bowls. Meanwhile, I'm giggling silently like an idiot with my pants down. I couldn't help it. Farts are funny!

After Party Poo

Good times were had last night. Great party = great poo.








The second picture shows what happened after the initial flush. It got stuck'd. I thought had I clogged the toilet but no. My turd is just too mighty for this weakass toilet.

Guest Logger #1

Dear Jocelyn

I just had a poo after not pooing all day. It was a very long poo and looks somewhat like a penis, which explains why I felt so violated after having this poo. I think it is pretty big and impressive. I have one picture from far away to show the scale as compared to the toilet bowl, and one closer so you can see the penile quality of it.

Owen

Kegel Party

The morning after the keg party I shat twice and both times were unpleasant. I used up a lot of toilet paper as well. I don't think I had it that bad though. Sergio used the washroom in the afternoon and when I went to use it a couple of hours later, it still smelled.

Poonut Butter

What the heck, I only had two beers last night and it still felt like I was shitting out peanut butter.
There's going to be a keg tonight too...oh the dilemma!

Success

I just plopped a perfect poop.

Chocolate Hail

Relief! I just excreted a foot long that felt never-ending. It snaked out of my behind leaving me feeling pounds lighter. I thought this one was a success until I went to wipe. The stringy seaweed salad I consumed last night made itself visible again. Damn our inability to digest cellulose!
There was definitely a need to flush a second time because of the splatter I left in the bowl and I wanted to quickly get out of there before the next person coming in figured out the stench belonged to me. But when I was speedily trying to buckle up my pants, someone walked into the first stall (I always use the last one because of its powerful flushing capabilities). I got a little worried about the smell I just created until...I heard their bowels explode. You could tell they had been trying to hold it in for some time judging by the force of the sharts smacking against the porcelain. It was very loud. I had a feeling this person was desperately waiting for me to leave to destroy the toilet so I took my time in washing my hands and checking myself out in the mirror. Just as I was walking out the door she launched her bazooka once more. BLAOW!

Fartastic Voyage

After lunch, I got so gassy it was getting difficult to hold it in so I finally decided to go to the washroom to release. I thought I had lost it when I got there but when I sat down on the toilet, my butt blurted out loudly (with a squeak at the end too!). With my pants down, I couldn't help but lol. I'd have had a hard time *not* laughing if someone else was in there. After that, I managed to squeeze out a cute, petite turd. It had a rounded bottom and a pointy top!

I forgot how good Starbucks coffee tastes.
I also forgot how quick coffee makes me poo. But it was worth it.

Edit: Let the coffee farts commence!

Things That Make You Go Poooooooo

No dice in the doodie department lately. In the past two days, I've been getting nothing but berries of the dingle variety. Must increase fibre intake.

Combo #5

My ass just upchucked and it wasn't pretty at all - Type 6 and extra stinky. I ate some greasy Chinese food earlier which included roasted duck, cha siew and the like. There were small boluses of pork fat floating in the toilet too. Grossies!

Crouching Tiger, Bleeding Anus

Work has been busy so I haven't had time to update.
The other day there was a rumbling in my belly and I just knew it was going to be a good one yet I didn't bother to bring my cell phone with me to the lav. Turns out I was right. My rectum gave birth to a giant mother of a turd and in turn, she bore a little baby turd. It was quite adorable. The curvatures in my poops made it seem like they were holding each other too. A Kodak moment.

Here, we have today's bowel movement which is fresh out the anus.
I don't know what it is I've been eating lately but my number twos have been colossal.

The Secret of the Ooze

Two words: butt juice.
Sometimes after a good shit my asshole leaves this slimy substance as a reminder of what a good time it had. Kinda gross.
I'm making a face right now.

(-_-)"

I wanted to take a nap on the toilet today but I don't usually take more than 3 minutes on a Number 2 so I didn't. Plus I was at work.

Pilsbury Dooboy

So I pinched one out today and it looked like one of those mini croissants. A really burnt and blackened mini croissant.
Before it was flushed down, I felt a pang of hunger.

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE

I have to poo.

The Diarrhea Song

When you do a little dance
and it's gooey in yer pants:
Diarrhea, diarrhea.

I found this gem while I was surfing the 'net at work.
Do you know how hard it is to laugh silently?! I think I have cramps from trying to hold it in.

I took a crap at work and the stupid auto-flush went off before I got to finish wiping my butt and now my underpants are a little wet from the splashback. Yuck.

:(

Owwwwww, my anus.
I shouldn't have waited so long to poop.

Edit: I forgot to mention that Matt also punched me in the ass. Jerk.

Evacuate

The fire alarm went off at work this morning. And then almost immediately, I had these sharp pains in my stomach telling me to head to the crapper. I had a feeling it was going to be a rank one so I dodged into the accessible washroom for privacy. There weren't any disabled employees on our floor anyway. I almost ripped my button off anxiously trying to pull my pants down. Oh it was coming and it was coming quick. I was right about it being rank. It looked disgusting too. An almost liquid Type 6. Mustard yellow. It just oozed out of me. I had to wipe quite a few times too. The whole time I was shitting the alarm was still going off and I prayed that we didn't have to evacuate the building. Just as I was zipping up, building management announced that everything was under control.
There was no fire. But my asshole sure as hell burned.

Booyah

A few minutes ago, I pinched out a Type 4, 10-incher. It was very dense with good thickness and colour and the moisture content was juuuust about right. It wasn't stinky either. And no mess. It basically just slid out of my rectum and into the toilet bowl like a fat, lazy turd. Oh wait, it is a fat, lazy turd. Two flushes finished it off - the first flush didn't quite carry it down the hole because it was so long and the second whisked it away to doodie heaven. :)
It feels fantastic starting off my day with an A+ poop. Morning shits pretty much make or break my day.

Ow, My Bunghole

Oh lordy, I just squeezed out a massive brick. It was like Type 2 but way bigger.

Stool Chart

For your reference and ease of understanding, I have put up a Stool Chart (right) with different types of stool which I will allude to when describing my BMs.

Thanks for the chart, Darren!

I Have No Shame

Public urination is becoming quite common for me...

It Burns

I think the Fireball coupled with the Quarter Pounder from last night was the cause of the burning sensation I felt from the dirty, dirty poop I just had. I guess that's why they call it Fireball.

Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class

Note to self: Refrain from going out drinking when you have work the next morning.
I had about a pitcher (maybe more) to myself last night - that's not a lot of beer but I'm a small Asian girl. I wasn't too intoxicated but I should have stopped drinking sooner. The consequence? Beer flatulence. Symptoms include an uncontrollable urge to pass gas, humorous audibleness, noxious fumes, and an itchy bum. I tried to sleep it off on the train but I had to keep shifting myself in order not to let one go. Normally, I wouldn't mind cutting the cheese in public if I really had to but sometimes, you just know which ones are going to be deadly.

I'm interested to see whether or not my shits are going to be as bad.


Edit: Just took a dump and it was stinkier than usual but the consistency was okay and not leaky.

Stinky Side-Up

I have really eggy farts today. I think I let one out by accident on the subway. There were a lot of people too. The more, the better so no one can point fingers.

Nuggets

I'm happy to report that I produced two nuggets today that were of healthy colour and weight. Regrettably, I forgot to bring my camera in with me so there is no photographic evidence of my triumphant poo.

How To Avoid Your Fart

Green With Envy

My poops were greenish today because of the Wakame salad I had for dinner last night. The sushi place I passed by was having their "End of Day" sale so I picked up two for $5. I kept tooting and brrrapping all night and today I had to shit twice. It was velvety soft. So soft that when I wiped, I GOT SHIT ON MY HANDS.

...yeah.

Piss Off

Someone else entered the washroom while I was dropping the Cosbys off at the pool yesterday and I heard them talking to themselves. While urinating. I have my suspicions as to who it was but I didn't want to confirm it so I waited until they were finished and gone before I left the stall. That would have been awkward.

Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun...something something...with DoubleMint Gum!

I caved and got myself a coffee today. I slept on an uncomfortable mattress last night and as a result, didn't get a sufficient amount of sleep. I almost forgot how bad post-coffee sharts were. I had to make two trips to the washroom. And the second shit was so bad it left a smear in the bowl that wouldn't go away even after two powerful flushes. I hope the next person enjoys the porcelain canvas I Picasso'ed on.

Let me do a run-through of what I experience almost immediately after drinking coffee.
First Stage: Even before I finish my SMALL coffee, I start to feel slightly nauseous. Not the 'I'm-going-to-puke' nausea because I know it ain't going to come back out of my mouth, but the other kind. I guess I could call it a poo nausea? Sure why not.

Second Stage: So yes, a poo nausea, which encompasses slight dizziness and discomfort in the abdominal region. Then my stomach starts making these gurgling noises. It's churning and gas is building up. The gurgling then makes its way down to my rectum and I can slowly feel my rectal cavity filling up with what I can imagine to be a thick, brown sludge of filth. Hungry yet?

Third Stage: This is when I run (or speed-walk if I'm at work) to the john and proceed to paint the toilet brown. But usually I wait until the last minute to go and it feels like I'm going to shit myself and if that's the case then I'll let out a few silent stink-bombs before I actually head to the crapper.

Fourth Stage: A repeat of stages 1 through 3. Fuck.

At this point there is a sense of regret and swearing never to drink coffee again.

Fifth Stage: Stomach still bubbling accompanied by the need to crap. However, when I get to the toilet, all I can manage to do is let out a big puff of a fart. No poop. Just bloating and a large amount of gas. Stomach continues to act strangely until I go to bed.

That was fun. Let's do it again sometime.

Hard Day's Work

I've stopped drinking coffee and switched to tea. Results: less soft BM's.
I crapped this morning and the turd came out long and firm. It was light coloured, almost like mustard. I'm not really sure actually as I didn't examine it for too long. I almost had trouble flushing it. It wouldn't budge for a moment because of its length and stiffness. Only after being broken down by the high pressured water of the automatic toilet did it give in to the abyss. It broke in half after a few seconds and then it was gone forever.

I think this is the most productive thing I've done all day.