This entry does not document a recent poo, but revisits a poo from approximately 1.5 to 2 years ago:
The worst poo splash I have ever had was, I believe, after a night of heavy drinking. The actual ejection of the poo was not violent, but it came out with such speed and force that the resultant toilet bowl splash actually displaced a small volume of liquid - unfortunately a mixture of water, urine, and feces - out of the toilet bowl, high enough and with a parabolic trajectory such that the liquid landed on the floor beside the toilet.
It was not a horrible mess by any measure, but I was impressed that the liquid was able to gain enough altitude to escape the bowl. To date, I have not been able to reproduce such a poo splash.
My name is Steven but I would like you to call me Jamal. This is my first entry in this wonderful blog portraying one of life's greatest forms of relief.
Here is some background information. I have a controlled diet 5-6 days a week because I am sort of a health nut. The latter fact means I have two shits at the same times every single day. Any sort of disruption to my eating habits causes my toilet times to go out of sync. I also usually eat the same sort of thing for each of my 6 daily meals so my time from entering the washroom and exiting ranges from 60s - 120s, depending on the tightness of the pants I'm wearing that day and whether I have to change the toilet paper roll because the asshole before me neglected to.
Sometimes I like to be spontaneous and not wait for my cheat day to eat something I end up regretting. Today it was a cheeseburger. It wasn't more than 10 minutes after the consumption of this hell sandwich that my digestive system detected what I just ate and said: "Homeboy, you did not just have a greasy ass burger on a m'fucking weekday." I don't like to be bossed around, especially by something I own, so I told my stomach to stop crying like a bitch. It was then my small and big intestines declared war on my rectum and I spent the next 45 minutes reenacting the firebombing of Dresden in WWII on the toilet seat. I had to jump into the shower directly after because the rapid firing of liquid waste and mini poo drops caused major splash on my ass cheeks that could not be cleaned solely with toilet paper.
I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be contributing. To this blog's venerable founder, thank you for inspiring numerous people like myself to bravely approach, examine and discuss our poo.
Tonight, I was watching this Liam Kyle Sullivan video where a couple is seeing a sex therapist, and it was sort of funny, but then, towards the end, the couple starts listening to a CD of erotic stories read by a voice with a terrible Asian accent. I started laughing really hard. So hard that I was literally on the floor, holding my stomach, and trying to catch my breath. And I definitely almost crapped my pants.
It would have been really bad if I had, because I'm wearing boxers. You see, briefs have a sort of tightness, like a poor man's diaper, so a small amount of loose stool would hopefully have been safely housed within them. Boxers, however, just kind of hang, with no tightness; loose stool would not have been confined to my underpants, and would have instead quite possibly gotten my pants shitty all the way down the leg.
Fortunately, I did not crap my pants, and neither of these things happened. The last time I crapped my pants was probably when I was eight or nine, and I was playing Bingo with my sister Alison in the basement. She started calling out the numbers in, again, an Asian accent (something about racism targeting Asians really seems to tickle my funny bone, to poo-ejecting extremes), which caused me to laugh so hard that a little poo nugget escaped my bum, and tumbled down my pantleg and out onto the floor before I was able to race up the stairs to the toilet. Come to think of it, I was wearing briefs. Oh shit. This completely negates my Poor Man's Diaper theory.
The aforementioned video is below. The part that made me almost poop myself begins at about 6:40.
I took a fantastic shit today, thanks to the lentils I had for dinner AND lunch. Two long and girthy logs escaped my blowhole with minimum force. It felt refreshing.
I've been having the most ginormous turds lately because I've been on a little-to-no meat diet (thanks to the vegetarians I'm surrounded by). I let a huge one go just now and when I went to wipe, I thought, 'Yay, I got my period finally' but it turns out that the blood was from my anus. That giant log MADE ME BLEED MY OWN BLOOD. Anyway, I went to flush and the thing didn't even go down the first time. It just broke in half and got stuck. Pressed the button a second time and it barely made it through. Cowadunga, dude!
Mistaking menstrual cramps for poo pains, I can now see why it hurt as much as it did. I just took the largest shit I have ever taken in my life. It just snaked out of my cornhole with one push. It looked quite soft and delicate but still held together as it slipped into the water. My prize-winning poo resembled the big black dildo at 249 all of you have come to know and love (okay, just me).
Damn, I wish I had brought my camera with me.
I had to force a giant Tootsie Roll out this morning and it tore my asshole just a teeny tiny bit. It hurt to wipe and it was one of those multi-wipe poops. I just gave up and showered and then put some petroleum jelly on my bum lips to soothe it. Maybe I should start shoving things up my rear to loosen it?
First good poo in a while. This baby had an impressive girth probably due to the fact that I haven't cleared the pipes in days. It felt like it was just dying to get out. The high-pitched squeak-fart was a good indication. I felt fantastic afterward and skipped back to my desk.
Monday, March 2, 2009
I had some dragon fruit the other day and the 9-incher that just butt-raped me contained the seeds from said fruit which my body was unable to digest. They looked like black sesame seeds. In my poo.
I almost suffocated L in the shower yesterday when I (accidentally!) let out a killer poot. His facial expression was unforgettable as he swiftly dashed out of the bathroom, still soapy. I felt bad but couldn't stop laughing at the same time. Oops.
In other news, I think I may have sharted a little on my bed. Unless someone sprayed chocolate ice cream on my sheets...
I started this blog because my very good friend, Darren, got sick of listening to me go on about my dumps so now he has the option of visiting this site whenever he feels the need to be repulsed by a very normal human routine. Yeah I know, that guy is totally weird.
When you need to let one rip, and you feel a warm, wet drip: Diarrhea, diarrhea. ------------------------------- When you feel your tummy bubble, and your ass says 'Here comes trouble...' Diarrhea, diarrhea. ------------------------------- When you're bulging in the pants, and you do the poo poo dance: Diarrhea, diarrhea. ------------------------------- When you have an itchy anus, and your farts come out all heinous: Diarrhea, diarrhea.
