End of Year Doodies

I have returned.
Sorry about not updating but I'm back on track now. Please take these fresh pictures as a token of my sincerest apoologies.

December 6th Crap:
I don' t think I enjoyed this one very much. It was too soft and as you can see, not of a healthy couleur. C.



December 16th Crap:
This one's a little camera shy. I remember this one being really firm and pleasant to poop out without requiring too much force. A+.


Today's Crap #1:
I ate a lot of lasagna and only a dollop of potato and egg salad the previous night (which produced the most heinous farts ever). Notice how this turd cleverly positioned itself like it was deathly afraid of being flushed down into the depths of the sewers. A for effort.

Today's Crap #2:
Ah, I see what the other little guy was doing. He was waiting for this guy.
You ever get those shits where after you let it out, you still feel like you have to go? This was one of them. And it was pretty messy too. I had to clean my ass in the tub afterwards (something I rarely need to do after a poop). No amount of wiping would have given me that fresh feeling.
D. For DANG, YO.

Apoologies

Sorry for the lack of updates. I haven't had any interesting bowel movements lately.

Linear Log

I was suffering from intense cramps all morning and thought it was just PMS but they turned out to be intense poo pains instead. When I was in the john, it felt like a never-ending crap but it just came out really long and rectilinear.
...
"Rectal-linear".
or
"Poopendicular".
Okay enough but seriously, you could have probably used it as a straight edge.

Poopee Schmoopee

It's December and I haven't had any good dumps to repoort. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I stopped drinking coffee?

Poo Poo Pants

I almost shit my pants the other day.
Let's just say I was pretty inebriated.

Peek-a-poo! I see you!

I went to take a piss today and this sneaky turd slipped out.

Scent of a Woman

The result of today's creation stemmed from a day of sampling various wines, beers, liquors and liqueurs and tasting some of the finest cuisines Toronto has to offer. Oh and a Hungry Man dinner. Man, those are delicious.

Hey look, it's a got a cute little tail.

You sunk my battleshits!

Guh. I just took a really bad shit. And there was so much of it too. The first log came out looking normal but then I lost control of my bowels and the rest just oozed out. Kinda like '2 girls 1 cup' but a darker shade. Haha, ew. I hope it wasn't because of the manicotti I had for dinner last night because I have it for lunch today as well.
My anus hurts.

Quickie

After a three-day drought, it finally came. This one was a beaut. In one *schloop* it came easily and then left this world gracefully. And the duration of the whole trip was only 2 minutes. I rule.

My anus! My anus is bleeding!

My bunghole was a little bloody when I went to wipe today. It was like the turd didn't want to come out and was grasping on to my rectal walls while I forced it out. I win again, poo.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

Almost dropped my phone in the toilet but I took a picture just before the auto-flush kicked in.
It was pretty soft and buttery. I got a little bit of it on my hand when I went to wipe. :(

Long John

Produced a 9-incher just a minute ago. Didn't even know my rectum was that long.
I have the best ones when I don't have my camera with me. *sigh*

Brrrrrappuccino

Apparently I "suck at holding farts in".
It's become quite a habit for me to hold shits in until the last possible moment. I don't know why I continue to do it knowing there's a chance I could have an accident in my pants. Today was no different. I felt it coming but I kept working away until I felt a kick in my rectum. I finally decided to go when the urge to cut the cheese came. At this point, I'm trying my best to hold them in but when I got up to walk to the restrooms, I let one escape by accident. I had no control! It happened right when I walked by the receptionist and as I was heading out the door. I was this --> <-- close to being in the clear. The receptionist was having a chat with another girl but my toot was still audible. Well I heard it. I'm sure if I heard it, they heard it too.
Brrrap!

Bloody Mess

I took a nice dump yesterday but I didn't take a picture because it was just too disgusting for viewing. It was just a bloody mess from me being on my period and whatnot so I'll spare you the image and just let you know that it's not very nice to look at. The girls who read this blog understand. Right, Michelle?

Crap on the Cob

I produced a unique-looking turd today. Apologies for the lack of photographic evidence.
'Twas likely due to it gathering in my system for the last two days that made it look the way it did. I hadn't really eaten anything unusual or different from my regular diet so that must be it. Anyway, as it was shimmying out of my rectum, it felt a little peculiar almost like shitting out pellets but to my surprise, it all came out in one piece. I chuckled a little upon turning around to take a closer inspection. The front end (the end that came out first) had a similar appearance to that of corn on the cob - small protrusions of poop jutting out, though in a random pattern - whilst the rest of it just looked like a regular log. A wave of regret swept over me momentarily as I wished I had taken my camera with me to the bathroom. Oh well.

Satisfied.

Today was a good day.

Look how cozy they are, nestled in the nook of the bowl. It brings joy and warmth to my heart to see them like that.

Birthday BM

Sorry I've been lacking in posts this week. Celebrated my 24th birthday over the weekend but that's no excuse. So here's a picture of my poop the day after the celebration.
As you can tell, my cake was full of cream hence the irregularity in my caca.

Picture Perfect Poo

I produced a sweet one today at work. It was nice, long and juicy but too bad I didn't have my camera with me. I would have loved to show it off. Next time!

Peep & Poop / Ring of Fire

I thought I was the only one who noticed the flooring in the brand new restrooms at work. Yesterday was the first time I used the loo with someone doing their business in the stall next to mine. As I was finishing up, I noticed how reflective the granite (or whatever fancy igneous rock is used for the floor tiles) is. I couldn't help but wonder if the person next to me could see me so I took a glance. You can definitely see their shadow and the vague appearance of their face. I'm not sure but I think I made eye contact. Good thing it wasn't a person who worked in my department or it would have been completely awkward.

Speak of the doo-doo devil. Here it comes now. BRB.

As I was saying, I overheard someone else mention the flooring as I was leaving the restroom today. I hope they mention this to Cadillac Fairview so they can do something about it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, killing two birds with one stone here. Or killing two poops with one flush? Anyway, I just got back from doing a big dirty and let me tell you when I say big dirty, I definitely mean it.
Flush count: 7.
The first log was huge and had a nice firmness to it. I was pretty proud of myself after I stood up though just when I was about to zip up I felt another poo pang so I sat back down and let 'er rip.
Number two was a bit softer and this time left floaty pieces post-flush. As I crouched over to wipe, I felt more pains and had to sit back down again.
The third time was disastrous. It almost had the consistency of diarrhea and cleanup was very messy. I couldn't help but let out a sound of relief as it was all pouring out. Luckily, there was no one else in the restroom during this debacle. My poor anus is still a little tender from all the pooping and vigorous wiping. I probably went through half a roll in all.

I suspect it was the spicy Thai chili canned tuna I consumed for lunch the previous day. It explains why my bum hole is burning.

!!!!!!!!

I took this perfect shit in the brand new restroom at work today but as I was grabbing for my camera, the thing flushed itself! Damn automatic toilets!

Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Poop

Instead of a turkey dinner, we had lamb.

Mmm, pointy.

Happy Thanksgiving

The overall outcome of this doo-doo was disappointing compared to the amount of pain it gave me.

Wait until you see my diarrhea.

Google AdSense rejected my application because they found my Daily Repoorts to be offensive. Hmph.

I'll show you offensive! *shakes fist*

My stomach says no but my bowels say yes.

I've been feeling under the weather lately. I think I'm coming down with something. Wait, here it comes...oh...one sec...whoop...*ker-plunk*.
Ahh, relief.

Poo Shy

Don't you hate it when you are on your way to the restroom and you bump into one of your co-workers heading there as well? You're both chatting on the way there and even in the stalls until the sound of the first drop of pee splashes into the toilet and then you're both silent. The conversation is interrupted by the sounds of you both urinating/defecating. Great. And then you don't know if you should wait for the other person to continue the conversation as you're heading back.
This just happened to me.
I got poo shy. I felt rushed for some reason so I shat as fast as I could (I don't even think I wiped my ass properly) and came out to find she didn't wait for me. Not that I expected her to because it would have been pretty awkward trying to carry on the conversation after hearing someone shit.
Anyway, the point of this entry is I didn't have a good BM and couldn't snap a shot of it because of this.
Sorry guys. I feel as though I've let you down.

Eureka!

I evacuated my bowels yesterday but I forgot to snap a picture of it. It was firmer this time even though I had a coffee beforehand.
I think I found the difference between Second Cup and Starbucks!

Ditto Doodie

My dung today was no different than yesterday's. Same colour, same consistency, same density.

I normally enjoy the firmer kind. The ones that excrete with ease. Ones that have no need for multiple sphincter pinching. A quick and painless release. A 'Dunk-n-Dash' if you please.

Easy come, easy go. Or is it?

Dude, Red Bulls (basically all energy drinks) do not agree with my stomach. And more importantly, my bowels.
I decided to skip coffee this morning and have a Red Bull instead. When the moment came, I crouched over the toilet seat and all I did was let out a fart and my shit came out. It sounded like this:
"PFFFBT."
. . .
"Plop."

Fuckin' gross.

The Lone Poop

It came at an unexpected time today and it came quite fast. I was doing some photocopying and couldn't stop and leave for the restroom right away (our restrooms are currently under construction so everybody has to go up a floor) so I decided not to answer. Went back to my desk and it kicked at my door again and I tried oh so hard to keep that door closed! I accidentally let out two squeaks of a fart but thank God, the lady in the next cubicle has headphones on all the time. You should have seen me shifting in my seat fumbling in my purse for my cell phone.
I made it upstairs in time but when I sat down, I had to wait a bit for it to come back. Fickle bitch.

Whew!

After not hearing from my bowels for two days, I got a little worried. But have no fear, Monday mornings are almost always regular. And that coffee helped. A lot. Within 20 minutes of consuming my usual order, Mr. Doodie came knocking furiously at my door.
So this, here, is a build-up of a couple of days worth of...um...crap.
Gosh, this one was smeary. It took me five wipes to get my chocolate starfish clean. Ugh, I hate those kinds of poops.

For those of you that are interested (I'd like to believe that you are otherwise you wouldn't be here) in what I ate the last two days, here's a list:
-curry chicken and potatoes
-cauliflower
-potato chips
-a quarter of an assorted sub
-beer
-white wine
-beef patty
-salmon salad with avocado
-sirloin steak with soy beans and a little bit of corn

Are we there yet?

Nothing (yet!) to repoort today even though I had a lunch chock-full of fibre.

Number 2

After a delicious dinner at the Pickle Barrel this evening, I disappeared into the lavatory after paying the bill to force this little sucker out.
I swear I thought it was going to be a big, dirty one but instead I got this.
What a disappointment.

First Poost

Sadly, I have no pictures for the premier post so words will have to suffice. I remembered to bring my cell phone to the restroom for my morning plop at the office but I was too embarrassed to snap a shot of it as there were 3 other squatters in there with me. If I had my camera it would have been a different story but because my cell phone makes that shutter sound when I take pictures, I chickened out. Perhaps I can try to describe what came out of me instead.

It wasn't very consistent this time, half of it retained its shape and the other half broke into pieces when it hit the bowl. The colour was dark and it had a distinct odour this time. A little stronger than usual but nonetheless unpleasant to the nose.
Blame it on the Caramel Corretto from Second Cup.