My poops were greenish today because of the Wakame salad I had for dinner last night. The sushi place I passed by was having their "End of Day" sale so I picked up two for $5. I kept tooting and brrrapping all night and today I had to shit twice. It was velvety soft. So soft that when I wiped, I GOT SHIT ON MY HANDS.
...yeah.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Piss Off
Someone else entered the washroom while I was dropping the Cosbys off at the pool yesterday and I heard them talking to themselves. While urinating. I have my suspicions as to who it was but I didn't want to confirm it so I waited until they were finished and gone before I left the stall. That would have been awkward.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun...something something...with DoubleMint Gum!
I caved and got myself a coffee today. I slept on an uncomfortable mattress last night and as a result, didn't get a sufficient amount of sleep. I almost forgot how bad post-coffee sharts were. I had to make two trips to the washroom. And the second shit was so bad it left a smear in the bowl that wouldn't go away even after two powerful flushes. I hope the next person enjoys the porcelain canvas I Picasso'ed on.
Let me do a run-through of what I experience almost immediately after drinking coffee.
First Stage: Even before I finish my SMALL coffee, I start to feel slightly nauseous. Not the 'I'm-going-to-puke' nausea because I know it ain't going to come back out of my mouth, but the other kind. I guess I could call it a poo nausea? Sure why not.
Second Stage: So yes, a poo nausea, which encompasses slight dizziness and discomfort in the abdominal region. Then my stomach starts making these gurgling noises. It's churning and gas is building up. The gurgling then makes its way down to my rectum and I can slowly feel my rectal cavity filling up with what I can imagine to be a thick, brown sludge of filth. Hungry yet?
Third Stage: This is when I run (or speed-walk if I'm at work) to the john and proceed to paint the toilet brown. But usually I wait until the last minute to go and it feels like I'm going to shit myself and if that's the case then I'll let out a few silent stink-bombs before I actually head to the crapper.
Fourth Stage: A repeat of stages 1 through 3. Fuck.
At this point there is a sense of regret and swearing never to drink coffee again.
Fifth Stage: Stomach still bubbling accompanied by the need to crap. However, when I get to the toilet, all I can manage to do is let out a big puff of a fart. No poop. Just bloating and a large amount of gas. Stomach continues to act strangely until I go to bed.
That was fun. Let's do it again sometime.
Let me do a run-through of what I experience almost immediately after drinking coffee.
First Stage: Even before I finish my SMALL coffee, I start to feel slightly nauseous. Not the 'I'm-going-to-puke' nausea because I know it ain't going to come back out of my mouth, but the other kind. I guess I could call it a poo nausea? Sure why not.
Second Stage: So yes, a poo nausea, which encompasses slight dizziness and discomfort in the abdominal region. Then my stomach starts making these gurgling noises. It's churning and gas is building up. The gurgling then makes its way down to my rectum and I can slowly feel my rectal cavity filling up with what I can imagine to be a thick, brown sludge of filth. Hungry yet?
Third Stage: This is when I run (or speed-walk if I'm at work) to the john and proceed to paint the toilet brown. But usually I wait until the last minute to go and it feels like I'm going to shit myself and if that's the case then I'll let out a few silent stink-bombs before I actually head to the crapper.
Fourth Stage: A repeat of stages 1 through 3. Fuck.
At this point there is a sense of regret and swearing never to drink coffee again.
Fifth Stage: Stomach still bubbling accompanied by the need to crap. However, when I get to the toilet, all I can manage to do is let out a big puff of a fart. No poop. Just bloating and a large amount of gas. Stomach continues to act strangely until I go to bed.
That was fun. Let's do it again sometime.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Hard Day's Work
I've stopped drinking coffee and switched to tea. Results: less soft BM's.
I crapped this morning and the turd came out long and firm. It was light coloured, almost like mustard. I'm not really sure actually as I didn't examine it for too long. I almost had trouble flushing it. It wouldn't budge for a moment because of its length and stiffness. Only after being broken down by the high pressured water of the automatic toilet did it give in to the abyss. It broke in half after a few seconds and then it was gone forever.
I think this is the most productive thing I've done all day.
I crapped this morning and the turd came out long and firm. It was light coloured, almost like mustard. I'm not really sure actually as I didn't examine it for too long. I almost had trouble flushing it. It wouldn't budge for a moment because of its length and stiffness. Only after being broken down by the high pressured water of the automatic toilet did it give in to the abyss. It broke in half after a few seconds and then it was gone forever.
I think this is the most productive thing I've done all day.
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