I caved and got myself a coffee today. I slept on an uncomfortable mattress last night and as a result, didn't get a sufficient amount of sleep. I almost forgot how bad post-coffee sharts were. I had to make two trips to the washroom. And the second shit was so bad it left a smear in the bowl that wouldn't go away even after two powerful flushes. I hope the next person enjoys the porcelain canvas I Picasso'ed on.
Let me do a run-through of what I experience almost immediately after drinking coffee.
First Stage: Even before I finish my SMALL coffee, I start to feel slightly nauseous. Not the 'I'm-going-to-puke' nausea because I know it ain't going to come back out of my mouth, but the other kind. I guess I could call it a poo nausea? Sure why not.
Second Stage: So yes, a poo nausea, which encompasses slight dizziness and discomfort in the abdominal region. Then my stomach starts making these gurgling noises. It's churning and gas is building up. The gurgling then makes its way down to my rectum and I can slowly feel my rectal cavity filling up with what I can imagine to be a thick, brown sludge of filth. Hungry yet?
Third Stage: This is when I run (or speed-walk if I'm at work) to the john and proceed to paint the toilet brown. But usually I wait until the last minute to go and it feels like I'm going to shit myself and if that's the case then I'll let out a few silent stink-bombs before I actually head to the crapper.
Fourth Stage: A repeat of stages 1 through 3. Fuck.
At this point there is a sense of regret and swearing never to drink coffee again.
Fifth Stage: Stomach still bubbling accompanied by the need to crap. However, when I get to the toilet, all I can manage to do is let out a big puff of a fart. No poop. Just bloating and a large amount of gas. Stomach continues to act strangely until I go to bed.
That was fun. Let's do it again sometime.
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2 comments:
haha, sharts
the big puff of fart sounds cute
woah, i just happened to find your blog.
i love pooping. you should take pictures for your blog. or not.
but also i find coffee is part of my morning routine because it makes me poo. i don't get the abdominal gurgles you get, but i think my GI system is totally addicted to the coffee. i will usually poop right after i get to work in the morning. i prefer marbling the work bowl rather than my own.
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