I'm (proudly) having some very audible and smelly farts today. I just want to high-five my dog every time I rip one because she's the only one around to experience them.

Hesher

Oops

I may or may not have drunkenly made a mess in an unnamed 24-hour grocery store washroom.

THE WORLD IS MY TOILET.

It finally happened...

I stepped in dog shit.

Genius idea?

I had the thought of crapping and eating my lunch simultaneously to save time but decided not to. I almost did it though. I'm glad I didn't bring my food into the bathroom with me because it got kind of messy.

Drinking coffee right after a beer makes me want to crap my pants.

Butt broth

Just what it sounds like.

Breaking up is hard to do.

I am now polyp-free!

What's more satisfying?

Speaking of which, I just liberated a bulky shit sausage the length of a python. I feel good. I feel great.

Poo man on the run!

Yule Log

 I had trouble churning out the brown butter earlier today so I gave it another go after work. I couldn't push too hard because my sphincter was still sore from the previous day's activities but with a little coaxing, I got it to wriggle out. To my surprise, my droppings came out quite different than normal as half of it was green and the other half, red. Santa would be proud of this one.
My poor butt still hurts.

Dr. Butt Meddler

The colonoscopy was much more painful than I expected. I cried out in distress during the procedure and the doctor had to tell me to shut up a few times. The sedative didn't kick in until near the end of it all. I threw up right after. It sucked.

This is what they found and removed from my colon:

A huge mother effin' polyp.

I'm naming this one Harry, after my gastroenterologist.

That's not the only one though.  He's got a little friend still partying inside me. I have to go back in 4 weeks to get it out. Let's hope they are benign.

Let the bowel irrigation begin...

Two litres of this stuff (tastes terrible btw) plus four laxatives equals me not being able to leave the toilet for three hours.

Yes, I'm blogging from my washroom right now.

Update: My asshole really REALLY hurts.

Mudslide

Colonoscopy scheduled for next Thursday. Wish me luck?
Preparation is going to be awesome. And by awesome I mean shitty. Ha.

Like pissing out of my butthole

I think I'm slowly dying from the inside.

Another giant poop goes undocumented. Sigh.

HOLY SHIT

After taking the advice of the butt doctor, I've been increasing my daily consumption of fresh fruits and vegetables. My logs have been massive lately but today I broke the record for BIGGEST DUMP OF MY LIFE. It was (no exaggeration) at least 12 inches long and just slipped out of my rectal cavity with almost no force. I felt like a champion. My eyes widened in amazement when I saw it but I cursed myself for not bringing my cell phone with me to snap a pic.
BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.

Funky jazz

If you enjoy being bloated and farty all day, try this drink:
 

In it, there's spinach, broccoli, garlic, wheat grass, algae, kiwis, apples, bananas, pineapple, and MORE.

My ass sounds like a fucking trumpet right now.

Email from my brother

from:        I L
to:            J L
date:        Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 6:56 PM
subject:    poop

how's yours?

i took a big dump the other day and the log was so long that it could not twirl its way down.  i had to pour a lot of hot water on it to break it in half =/

Good Dog

Colonoscopy or this? I choose the latter.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds, and, uh, I'm a little behind."

 
The sigmoidoscopy only lasted about 5 minutes but I was in fetal position, wincing and trying to relax my breathing (and my asshole) the whole time. I let out a "Fuck!" when he stuck his finger up there right before the procedure.

Doctor said he didn't see anything unusual.
Then why the fuck am I bleeding?

His solution was to eat more fibre to soften my stools and then call him if the bleeding continues. I may have to do a full colonoscopy. I really really really do not want anything else inserted into my butt (maybe).

My dog just ran up to me, farted, and ran away.
Thanks, Pepper.

MY ASS WON'T STOP BLEEDING

My bowel movement produced a unique-looking turd today. Lengthy and snake-like and even tapered at the end. I struggled a bit to get it out but succeeded by rocking back and forth on the john and pushing at the same time. Yes, this is my method of discharge to help persuade my excrement to come out and play. It works, try it. When I turned around to take a look at my achievement, I have to admit I was delighted at the sight of it. Upon closer inspection, I noticed it was covered in a bit of blood. Ugh. I hope the doctor fixes whatever is wrong with my ass tomorrow.

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Nothing interesting to report today. I thought I had to unload some large cargo but it turned out I was just bloated. I sat down on the toilet expecting a big brown baby but instead let out some long, silent puffs and a couple of pellets. Disappointing. When I went to wipe, a little bean of a turd latched on to the toilet paper among some mucus and undigested chili flakes from the Korean food I had the night before.  I squished it with my fingers before I dropped it in the bowl and let it flush up to poo poo heaven.

In other colorectal news, I will be getting a sigmoidoscopy this week. Basically, a small camera will be inserted into my rectum to see what's going in there. I bet there's a huge party going on and I'm not invited. I'm never invited. :(

Vitil-i-gotta-go

Today's poop wasn't urgent, but I could sort of feel that something was brewing, so I grabbed a book and prepared for a session.

The poop was funny because it had different complexions; some parts were of a paler brown than the rest. It was as if this poop was stricken with a case of vitiligo, the skin disorder to which Michael Jackson famously attributed his pale skin. To paraphrase the King of Pop, 'It doesn't matter if you're brown or pale brown.'

I also had a strange poop the other day. Most of the log was solid and true to form, but the tail end of it appeared to split, not quite messily, but somewhat like a flower, or cartoon explosion. I felt this did not warrant its own post, but I considered different names for it, as I don't believe I have ever seen this phenomenon before. Is it a Brown Sunburst? Or Trick Cigar?